Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the eighth and FINAL Harry Potter film
1. Chapter 1

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2**

By Project H

Part 1

*Hogwarts*

Students: *Marching*

Snape: Once we teach them to do that while playing musical instruments, this school will really be kickin'

-  
>*Shell Cottage*<p>

Harry: I need to talk to the goblin

Bill: He has a name, you know

Harry: Fine, I need to talk to...Mr Goblin

*Griphook's room*

Harry: Hello Mr Goblin. You probably don't remember-

Griphook: Your name? Not at all. You wizards all look the same to me. Are you the know-it-all female?

Harry: No. I'm Harry

Griphook: You buried the elf, and brought me here. If you expect me to be your replacement house elf, I refuse to wear the pillowcase

Harry: That's not it at all

Griphook: Fine, I'll wear the pillowcase

Harry: No no, I wanted to ask you about the sword

Griphook: How did you come by this sword?

Harry: The sword presented itself to us in an hour of need. And by 'hour of need' I mean 'month of sitting confused in a tent'

Griphook: There is a sword in Madam Lestrange's vault identical to this one

Harry: That's great, I collect fake swords. Think you can get us into one of the vaults?

Griphook: That is impossible. It could not be done. Completely out of the question. There is simply no way

Harry: We'll give you the sword

Griphook: I'm in! Let's do it

-  
>*Outside Ollivander's room*<p>

Hermione: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Harry: Yeah, that little guy was adorable. I'm gonna hug him before we get to Gringotts

Hermione: I meant that there's a Horcrux in Bellatrix's vault

Harry: A Horcrux? A piece of Voldemort's soul?

Hermione: Yes. The things we're hunting down in order to kill him

Harry: Of course. The Horcruxes that we need to destroy to kill Voldemort. We're taking them out one by one

Hermione: And they could be anything. And one of them may be in Bellatrix's vault

Ron: So just so everyone's clear – we're on a quest to find the pieces of Voldemort's soul, or "Horcruxes", and must destroy them in order to kill him. And we're going to break into Bellatrix's Gringotts vault to find one

Harry: Good team meeting

Fleur: You can speak to Ollivander, but he's very weak

Harry: That's alright, we just need to ask him a few things before we go after our next Horcrux

Ron: What the hell is a Horcrux?

-  
>*Ollivander's room*<p>

Harry: Mr Ollivander, would you mind identifying this wand?

Ollivander: Walnut, dragon heartstring, this belonged to Bellatrix Lestrange

Harry: It's so incredible that you're able to work that out

Ollivander: She's written her name on it

Harry: Oh...how about this one?

Ollivander: Hawthorn, greasy blonde pureblood hair, this was the wand of Draco Malfoy

Harry: Was?

Ollivander: I sense its allegiance has changed. It's telling me...what's that, wand? You want me to kill all of them? I couldn't do that. Not _all_ of them...

Harry: You talk about wands like they can think for themselves

Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, Mr Potter – that's why people with cold hands never get to become wizards

Harry: What do you know about the Deathly Hallows?

Ollivander: What is this – a pop quiz? What do _you_ know about the Deathly Hallows?

Harry: That Voldemort has the Elder Wand because of information you gave him

Ollivander...

Harry:...

Ollivander:...uh, it's the wand that chooses the-

Harry: Spare me. One final question though – why are you wearing a pillow case?

Ollivander: Say hello to your new house elf

-  
>*Outside the Cottage*<p>

Ron: You're sure that's Bellatrix's hair?

Hermione: Positive

Ron: Alright then, I'll be Bellatrix. I'm the only one here who can walk in heels

*One hour later. Because even though polyjuice potion has to sit for several weeks, Bill and Fleur keep it on tap*

HermyBella: How do I look?

Ron: Not as good as I would have

Harry: Good thing we had a Bellatrix costume. And you guys all made fun of me when I decided to dress as her for Halloween. Who looks stupid now?

-  
>*Knockturn Alley*<p>

Harry: Alright Hermione, this will need your best Bellatrix impression

Man: Hello Ms Lestrange

HermyBella: And good morning to you, fine sir. Bless your beautiful heart. May your day be as magical as a field of unicorns

Harry: Want to try harder?

HermyBella: And you're fat!

Harry: Perfect

*Gringotts*

HermyBella: I wish to enter my vault. My vault being Bellatrix's vault, because I am Bellatrix

Goblin: Certainly Madam Lestrange. Would you mind presenting your wand?

Harry: Well that certainly won't be a problem since we have the wand and can-

HermyBella: No

Harry: Wah?

HermyBella: I am Bellatrix and I will not show you Bellatrix's wand. Boy do I love Voldemort

Harry: _Imperio_

Goblin: *Imperio-d* Please come this way Madam Lestrange and Harry Potter

Harry: Whoops. Gotta be more careful about what I make him say

Goblin: Whoops. Gotta be more careful about what I make him say

HermyBella: Harry, what are you doing?

Harry: Give me a break. It's my first time using that spell

HermyBella: Pathetic

Goblin: Hermione sure is a know-it-all bitch

HermyBella: Harry!

Harry: That one was on purpose

*Gringotts-coaster*

Ron: Weee! This is absurdly fun for a bank

Security waterfall: *Whoosh*

Cart: *Drops everyone*

Harry: Oh no Hermione, you look like you again. We've got enough problems without having to look at your face

Hermione: And now we've got no way to travel through Gringotts. We've just been dumped off at a random location with no way of knowing where Bellatrix's vault is. Oh wait, it's right there

Goblin: What the devil are all you doing down here?

Hermione: Oh be quiet, Harry

Harry: Not me anymore

Goblin: Thieves!

Harry: _Imperio_

Goblin: *Imperio-d* That Harry sure is a fine looking wizard

Harry: Oh no, he must be overpowering the spell

Goblin: So very powerful and strong. And so much smarter than Hermione

Harry: I'm losing control!

Hermione: Knock it off, Harry

Goblin: Fine, be a jerk

Dragon: Grrr

Griphook: *Shakes clankers* It's been trained to expect pain when it hears the noise

Hermione: That's barbaric

Ron: You'd have to be a pretty stupid creature to be afraid of a sound

Hermione: Exams!

Ron: *Writhes in pain* OH GOD NO!

-  
>*Bellatrix's vault*<p>

Ron: Is it here, Harry? Can you feel anything?

Cup: Psst, Harry

Harry: What's that, cup? You want me to kill all of them?

Treasure: *Multiplies*

Griphook: _Gemino_ curse. Everything you touch will multiply

Ron: *Touches Hermione* Hey, it's not working

Harry: *Touches everything, and climbs it*

Griphook: *Catches cup*

Harry: We had a deal, Griphook. And if you don't give me the cup, I can't go back on it and cheat you out of the sword

Griphook: The cup for the sword

Harry: *Throws sword*

Griphook: *Throws up. I mean, throws cup* I said I'd get you in. I didn't say anything about getting you out

Harry: *Gets out* No worries

Dragon: Grrr

Security guards: Grrr

Harry: Oh yeah, _those_ worries

Hermione: We can't just stand here. Who's got an idea?

Ron: I bet Hermione does

Hermione: You're right, she does! Everyone on the dragon

Harry: Oh come on, Hermione. That's your idea _every_ time

Everyone: *On the dragon*

Hermione: _Relashio!_

Chains: *Are relashed*

*Meanwhile, in the Gringotts foyer*

Goblin 1: I can't help but think I'm wasting money. Yesterday I renewed the bank's fire insurance. There are never fires in Diagon Alley

Goblin 2: It's better to be safe than sorry

Goblin 1: True. And I saved us a heap by getting rid of that useless dragon insurance

Dragon: *Smashes through floor*

Goblin 1:...

Goblin 2: Let's burn the place down

Dragon: *Breaks free, and enjoys the fresh air and freedom from abuse after years of being locked away*

Hermione: _Explodo!_

Dragon: *Screams and flies*

Ron: That's barbaric!

Hermione: No, it's OK this time because it benefits _me_

Ron: Fair enough

-  
>*Far away*<p>

Harry: We're dropping, let's jump. 3...2...1...JUMP!

Hermione: *Jumps*

Ron: *Jumps*

Harry: *Doesn't jump* Actually I'm wrong. Still too dangerous

Hermione and Ron: *Plummet and scream*

*Minutes later, on land*

Harry: *Dreams*

Voldemort: Nyah!

Rowena Ravenclaw: Nyah!

Hogwarts: Nyah!

*End Dream*

Harry: He knows! You-Know-Who. He knows we're hunting Horcruxes

Hermione: You let him into your mind? Harry, you can't do that

Harry: I can't help it. Except when I can. Which is almost always. It kind of tickles

Ron: What happened?

Harry: He's angry

Ron: That doesn't sound like the Voldemort I know

Harry: *Starts undressing* He knows if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes we'll be able to kill him, so he's one step ahead of Ron

Ron: *Starts undressing* What's a Horcrux?

Harry: And one of them is at Hogwarts. Something to do with Ravenclaw, and Hogwarts, and Ginny arriving at my dormitory wearing only...no wait, I'm combining separate dreams. Just Ravenclaw and Hogwarts. We have to go there now

Hermione: Well then we'll have to work out a plan

Harry: Hermione, when have any of our plans actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose. So let's not plan at all

Hermione: OK then, that'll be the plan – don't plan

Harry: Damn it, you're right. How can we have no plan? How can we make sure we have absolutely no idea what we're doing?

Hermione: Put Ron in charge

Harry: Brilliant! Ron, what should we do?

Ron:...Hogsmeade!

Harry: Good idea. We'll travel there as soon as Hermione has a chance to get undressed and change

Hermione: I think I'm fine in my current clothes

Harry: No no, me and Ron changed, now you

Hermione: I really don't-

Harry: Sounds like you _planned_ to not get changed

Ron: Damn it Hermione! You're ruining the Horcrux mission! Take your clothes off or the world is doomed!

-  
>*Gringotts*<p>

Voldemort: *In parseltongue* The boy has discovered our secret, Nagini. I thought killing this bank of goblins would cheer me up, but it didn't

Nagini: Would it cheer you up if we killed _another_ bank of goblins?

Voldemort:...it might

-  
>*Meanwhile*<p>

Hermione:...

Harry:...

Ron:...seriously Hermione, we're not leaving until you get changed

Hermione: Shut up and take my hand

Ron: Works for me

Hermione: To _apparate_

Ron: Oh...good

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2**

By Project H

Part 2

*Hogsmeade*

Alarm: *Makes high-pitched, irritating squeal*

Harry: Ginny? Is that you?

Man 1: They're here!

Man 2: Search everywhere!

Man 3: Oh sure, when it's my turn for charades, everyone needs to run off!

Harry: Remember guys, the streets are swarming with Death Eaters. Don't trust anyone

Aberforth: In here, Potter

Harry: Certainly *Goes inside*

Man 1: Find him?

Man 2: No. How about you?

Man 3: You know what I can't find? Some decent friends

-  
>*Aberforth's House*<p>

Hermione: Harry, I can see you in this man's mirror

Harry: Must be the Mirror of Erised. Remember, Hermione, it shows only you're deepest desire

Ron: I can see you too, Harry

Harry: Inappropriate, Ron. Wait a minute...Hermione, you're in _my_ mirror too. I think the mirrors want us to kiss

Aberforth: You bloody fools

Harry: Bloody? What are you, Ron's grandfather or something?

Aberforth: More like the brother of an idiot former headmaster

Harry: Weird. Hermione never said she had a brother

Aberforth: Dumbledore! I'm Albus Dumbledore's brother. Or at least I was, until you stood by and watched him die. Tell me, what happened to Dobby?

Harry: He was Dumbledore'd

Aberforth: Him too? And let me get this straight – people _want _to be your friend? Seems like a death wish

Hermione: Do you hear from the others much? From the Order?

Aberforth: I hear their screams of agony from time to time. It's nice to keep in touch

Harry: We need to get into Hogwarts, tonight. Dumbledore gave us a job to do

Aberforth: Was it to die? Because I reckon the ginger kid will do great at that

Ron: That's the first time anyone has ever shown faith in me

Harry: We've been hunting Horcruxes, and we think the last one's inside the castle

Aberforth: That's a suicide mission. Or genocide, in your case, since I imagine you'll be taking all your loved ones with you. Do yourself a favour, boy, go home. Or live here with me. You can be my cleaner. The girl can cook for me, and the ginger kid can die

Ron: I've never felt more accepted

Aberforth: What makes you think you can trust Dumbledore? In all the time you knew him, did he ever mention my name? Well, presumably he did, since you all seemed to know who I was when you came in here. But it probably wasn't anything good

Harry: He may have mentioned the goat incident

Aberforth: Oh please, that only happened one and a half times. Allow me to tell you the lengthy story about myself and my brother. It all started-

Harry: I'm not interested in what happened between you and your brother

Aberforth: What? But it explains-

Harry: Don't care

Aberforth: You need to know about-

Harry: Bored now

Aberforth: I was in storyteller mode and everything. It's incredibly important that-

Harry: Quiet! I trusted the man I know. Maybe he didn't tell me everything, but you make it sound like he's raised me as some sort of pig for slaughter. Like his plan this whole time was for me to eventually die. And that's just downright crazy. We need to get into the castle _tonight_

Aberforth: *To the portrait of Ariana* You know what to do

Ron: I sure do, Aberforth. I'll go into the castle and die to make you proud. I love you, Abby

Aberforth: This guy helps you find Horcruxes?

Harry: He serves more of a moral support role

Hermione: That's your sister Ariana, isn't it?

Aberforth: You know about Ariana? Geez, was Dumbledore ever _not_ talking about us? But I will tell you this, Mr Potter, my brother sacrificed many-

Harry: No stories!

Aberforth: Let me speak!

Harry: STOP SHOUTING!

Aberforth: Ariana was devoted to my brother. He gave her everything...even death. _Especially_ death. It was the most enduring gift she ever received from him

Neville: *Appears in portrait*

Hermione: Neville! You look-

Neville: Like hell, I reckon

Hermione: Actually I was going to say 'fantastic'. The year has been good to you

Neville: They starve us and force us to run naked through thunderstorms for hours

Hermione: Well whatever you're doing, it's working. Ron, have you considered re-enrolling at Hogwarts for the rest of the year

Harry: How bad is Snape as headmaster?

Neville: Remember Pizza Thursdays?

Harry: Of course

Neville: He moves it to Mondays

Harry: Bastard!

Neville: And it's the Carrows you need to watch out for. They like punishment. They cancelled all our exams and replaced them with torture. It's been great. Let's have a little fun...

*Dumbledore's Army Headquarters*

Neville: Bad news everyone, we've just received news that Harry's been killed...

Student 1: No!

Student 2: It's all over!

Student 3: *Kills self*

Neville: Uh oh, um, I meant he's right here behind me

Harry: Hi there

Sheamus: Hermione! Thank goodness. We've got a year's worth of homework we need your help with

Neville: Nigel, inform Remus and the others

Nigel: Certainly. *Turns on radio* River, DA calling. Lightning has struck. And the troll and the flobberworm are with him

Neville: What's the plan, Harry?

Harry: Gave up on those long ago. We need to find something in the castle, but we don't know what it is or where it is

Neville: Well that rules out...Ron

Harry: I think it has something to do with Ravenclaw. It'll be small and easily concealed

Cormac: I don't have _anything_ small and easily concealed, if you know what I mean

Harry: Wow, Dumbledore's Army has really lowered its qualifications since I left. Does anyone know what we might be looking for?

Luna: Well, there's Rowena Ravenclaw's lost diadem

Harry: How on earth did you get back in to Hogwarts? _Why_ did you come back to Hogwarts? That's insane. You're going to be killed!

Ron: Hehe, classic Luna

Luna: The lost diadem? Hasn't anyone heard of it? It's quite famous. Not defeated-the-Dark-Lord-as-a-one-year-old famous, but quite well-known

Cho: Yes, but Luna, there isn't a person alive today who has seen it. No one breathing, able to eat, or containing colours other than white and transparent. That rules out presumably everyone

Ron: Can someone tell me what a bloody diadem is?

Cho: It's sort of a crown. You know, like a tiara

Ron: A tiara? Voldemort made Horcruxes of a tiara, a ring, a diary, a necklace and a pretty cup? He must have been the happiest teenage girl in the world.

Ginny: *Runs in* Harry!

Harry: Eh...uh...

Ginny: Ginny

Harry: Ginny, that's it. You look well. It's been so long since I've seen you, I have so much I want to say...

Ginny: Snape knows

Harry: That wouldn't have been at the top of the list

Ginny: He knows Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade

Harry: Well that's officially killed the mood. I was hoping to greet you with my new pick-up line 'My virginity is a Horcrux, can you help me destroy it?'

Sheamus: You realise you're saying this in front of the entire DA, right?

-  
>*Great Hall*<p>

Snape: Many of you are surely wondering why I have summoned you at this hour

Student: We just assume it's always for torture

Snape: Earlier this evening, Harry Potter was spotted in Hogsmeade

Student: We're still pretty sure we're here for torture

Snape: Any person found to have knowledge of these events who fails to come forward will be treated as...

*3 hours later*

Snape:..._equally_ guilty. Now then, if anyone here has any knowledge of Mr Potter's movements this evening, raise your hand now

Harry: *Steps forward* It seems, despite your exhaustive defensive strategies-

Snape: Two Death Eaters

Harry: -you still have a bit of a security problem, headmaster

Snape: Mr Potter, if you don't raise your hand, I can't hear you

The Order: *Forgo the element of surprise to make a dramatic entrance*

Harry: Tell them how it happened that night!

Snape: You stood to the side and did absolutely nothing as you watched Dumbledore die

Harry: Stop telling them how it happened that night!

McGonagall: Severus, remember that time I asked you for a raise and you didn't give it to me?

Snape: Vaguely

McGonagall: Bad move *Casts spell*

Snape: *Casts spell*

Carrows: *Knocked out*

Snape: *Flees*

Student: So we have to torture ourselves?

Voldemort: _I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But most of you will decide to cry and wet yourselves_

Ron: Way ahead of you

Voldemort: _Give me Harry Potter. Do this and none shall be harmed. Except Harry Potter, of course. I am gonna harm the hell out of that kid. You have one hour_

Pansy: What are you waiting for? Someone grab him!

Ginny: With pleasure

Pansy: To hand over to Voldemort

Ginny: No one's stopping you Pansy. Give it a try

Pansy: Eh, well...

Ginny: _Crucio!_

McGonagall: Mr Filch, would you please lead Miss Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the hall. The dungeons will do

Filch: The dungeons? Where their common room is?

McGonagall: Sure. They've worked hard and earned themselves a break. Well done, Slytherin House. Potter, what do you need?

Harry: Time, Professor

McGonagall: Of course. We'll use a time-turner to go back to before Voldemort's resurrection and prevent any of this ever happening. We'll save thousands of lives!

Harry: Nah, I need an hour to find a tiara

McGonagall: Oh...good

-  
>*Outside Hogwarts*<p>

Flitwick: You realise we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely?

McGonagall: Don't fret, Filius. We're the people who protected the Philosopher's Stone

Flitwick: The same stone that three 11-year-olds were able to get to

McGonagall: Well, we also-

Flitwick: A basilisk attacked students until a 12-year-old stopped it, dementors invaded the castle grounds until a 13-year-old chased them off, and this year when a certain 17-year-old didn't come back to school, Death Eaters took over

McGonagall:...we're screwed

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2**

By Project H

Part 3

*Hogwarts halls*

Ron: Hermione and I have been thinking

Harry: Really?

Ron: Well, Hermione has been thinking. It doesn't matter if we find a Horcrux unless we can destroy it

Harry: Good point. Let's quit now and hand me into Voldemort

Ron: You destroyed the diary with a basilisk fang, and me and Hermione know where we might find one

Harry: Chamber of Secrets. Doesn't take a genius, Ron

Luna: Harry!

Harry: I told you before, Luna, I don't want to kiss your nargle egg for good luck

Luna: Don't you remember what Cho said about the diadem?

Harry: When's the last time someone listened to Cho?

Luna: "There's not a person alive who's seen it." We have to talk to someone who's dead

*Chamber of Secrets*

Harry: Basilisk, have you seen a tiara?

Basilisk skeleton:...

Harry: Thanks for your time

*Hogwarts halls*

Harry: Didn't work

Luna: That's not who I meant

-  
>*Another, more ghostly hallway*<p>

Luna: If you're to find her, you'll find her down there

Harry: Aren't you coming? I seem to have an odd effect on female ghosts

Moaning Myrtle: *Winks*

Luna: I think it's best if you two talk alone. If you need me, I'll be running naked in the forbidden forest to honour the spirit of the tree-fish

Harry: Grey Lady, my name is Harry Potter. I know it's hard, but try not to fall in love with me

Grey Lady: Are you a friend of Luna's?

Harry: Yes

Grey Lady: Are you going to try and breathe me in to gain mystic 'ghost powers'?

Harry: No. Well, not yet

Grey Lady: You seek my mother's diadem. But Luna was wrong, I cannot help you

Harry: Luna was wrong about something? That doesn't sound like the Luna I know. The Luna that is currently running naked in the forest

*Meanwhile*

Voldemort: *Surveying the school* Ha, they never learn

Pius: Of course not. You replaced all their classes with torture

Voldemort: Shut up, Pius. Death Eaters, begin!

Death Eaters: *Fire curses*

*Back inside*

Harry: I want to help you destroy the diadem! If that's what you want. I'm going to assume it is

Grey Lady: Another swore to destroy it many years ago. A strange boy with a strange name

Harry: That doesn't really narrow it down. Blaise Zabini?

Grey Lady: Tom Riddle! He defiled it with dark magic. And bent it out of shape on his weirdly-shaped head

Harry: I can destroy it once and for all. You know where he hid it, don't you, Helena?

Grey Lady: It's here in the castle, in the place where everything is hidden *Floats away*

Harry: Damn, I failed. She was completely in love with me

-  
>*Chamber of Secrets*<p>

Ron: Harry talks in his sleep. Have you noticed?

Hermione: No

Ron: *Speaks parseltongue* Sssaaaahhh Hhhaaasss ssssaaahhh

Translation: _Yeah Ginny, you know how I like it..._

Ron: Shh, there's the basilisk. Careful, it's sleeping

Hermione: I think it's dead, Ron. It's just a skeleton

Ron: Shh, those are just its pyjamas. *Snaps off fang* Alright, you do it

Hermione: I can't

Ron: Oh it's not too bad. It'll yell at you, probably show you some images of me and Harry making out, but not much worse than that

Hermione: *Stabs cup*

Voldemort: Nyah!

Harry: Nyah!

Water: *Splashes*

Hermione: *Kisses Ron*

Ron: *Kisses Hermione*

Hermione: Why is it that destroying Horcruxes seems to always involve people making out?

Ron: There's nothing sexier than gradually killing pieces of a man's soul

-  
>*The Bridge*<p>

Hogwarts barrier: *Melts*

McGonagall: Not my barrier, you bitch!

Scabior: Snatch 'em!

Neville: I'm starting to think that having me be the sole defender of the bridge against thousands of Death Eaters was not the most tactical of decisions *Runs*

Bridge: *Collapses*

Death Eaters: *Plummet*

Scabior: *Will be snatching angels in heaven tonight*

-  
>*Around Hogwarts*<p>

Giants: *Smash everything*

Statue: *Is destroyed*

Statue's widow: No! He had one more day until retirement

Quidditch Pitch: *Burning*

Oliver Wood: NOOOO! I swore to always protect her! What have I done? What have I become?

-  
>*Hogwarts halls*<p>

Ginny: Harry!

Harry: Ginny!

Neville: Luna! Anyone seen her? I'm mad for her

Harry: Makes sense. She's mad for _everything_

Neville: I think it's about time I told her since we'll probably both be dead by dawn

Harry: Try destroying a Horcrux. That'll get her in the mood

*Elsewhere*

Draco: *Grabs students at random* Goyle and Zabini? You'll do

Goyle: Shouldn't we bring Crabbe?

Draco: Crabbe's on long-service leave

-  
>*Room of Requirement*<p>

Diadem: Psst, Harry

Harry: Wow, that will look fantastic on me

Draco: What brings you here, Potter?

Harry: I could ask you the same thing

Draco: You have something of mine

Harry: Crabbe? I swear I don't have him

Draco: My wand. This one is my mother's. It's powerful, but it's not the same. Doesn't quite understand me

Harry: Sort of like Zabini compared to Crabbe

Draco: Forget about Crabbe!

Goyle: Come on, Draco. Don't be a prat

Harry: _That's_ what Goyle sounds like? Man, I was way off during second year when I was disguised as you

Hermione: _Expelliarmus!_

Goyle: _Avada Kedavra!_

Hermione: _Stupefy!_

Ron: *Holds wand over head and runs after them screaming*

Harry: Some day, we should really teach him a spell

Pyramid of chairs: *Is an odd thing to find in a Room of Requirement. Who requires a pyramid of chairs?*

Harry: *Climbs pyramid, gets diadem*

Ron: *Returns*

Hermione: Do you bring good news?

Ron: RUN! GOYLE SET THE WHOLE PLACE ON FIRE!

Hermione: Is that a 'no'?

Harry: Goyle sure gets moody when he doesn't have Crabbe around

Fire: *Burns things, turns into a snake, turns into a phoenix, and is generally just pretty darn awesome for a fire*

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Flee*

Goyle: *Loses control of fire. Isn't that always the way? They're fine when they're young, but then they get their own opinions and run off with the wrong sorts of flames*

Ron: Look, some brooms!

Harry: Good job, Ron

Ron: Yay, I contributed! *Gets on broom and immediately crashes*

Draco: Quick! Find the most flammable pile of furniture and climb!

Goyle: *Climbs, then falls into fire*

Draco: No! Goyle had one more day until retirement as my best friend!

Harry: *Flying* We can't leave them

Ron: You're joking, right?

Harry: Come on, Ron, think – what would Crabbe do?

Ron: You're right, we have to save them

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Save Draco and Zabini*

Diadem: *Is stabbed, and thrown into fire. Talk about a bad day*

-  
>*Death Eater lookout*<p>

Voldemort: Nyah! Not my diadem, you bitch!

Pius: My Lord?

Voldemort: _Shut up, Pius!_

Pius: *Dies*

Voldemort: For the purpose of saving time, I have turned the phrase "Shut up, Pius" into a new killing curse

Death Eater: Good idea, sir

Voldemort: _Shut up, Pius!_

Death Eater: *Dies*

Voldemort: Come Nagini, I need to keep you safe. I wonder if Hogsmeade still sells snake helmets...

-  
>*Back inside*<p>

Harry: It's the snake. She's the last Horcrux

Ron: Then let's put up a low wire-fence. That seems to take care of snakes pretty well. Look inside him, Harry. Find out where he is

Harry: Was Ron elected leader of the group without my knowledge?

Ron: It was actually Hermione's idea, but she didn't want to look like she was encouraging you to enter Voldemort's mind because you'd say "I told you so"

Harry: Is this true, Hermione?

Hermione: Yeah

Harry: I told you so! *Looks inside himself*

-  
>*Boat House*<p>

Lucius: My Lord, might it not be more prudent to call off this attack and simply seek the boy yourself?

Voldemort: I do not need to seek the boy. He will come to me. I will just wait here, as he gradually destroys all the Horcruxes, and allow him to have the best possible chance at killing me

Lucius: Hard to believe you were ever defeated

Voldemort: How can you live with yourself, Lucius?

Lucius: I'm trying to die, I swear

Voldemort: Try harder! And bring me Severus

-  
>*Back to the trio*<p>

Harry: I know where he is. The Boat House!

Ron: Of course, the famous Hogwarts Boat House!

Hermione: It all makes sense!

Harry: How appropriate that after everything we've been through, it all ends in the Boat House. It seems every aspect of our lives these last few years has revolved around it in some way. Let's go!

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Start making their way to the Boat House, dodging spells and giants*

Fenrir: *Killing Lavender*

Hermione: No! I wanted to be the one to do that! _Stupefy!_

Dementors: Grr!

Aberforth: Think of goats...think of goats...EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Harry: Thanks Abby

Aberforth: Don't make me regret this, Potter. Those dementors were my best customers

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2**

By Project H

Part 4

*Boat House*

Snape: You have performed extraordinary magic with this wand, in the last few hours alone

Voldemort: No, I am extraordinary, but the wand resists me. I want this wand to mindlessly bend to my every whim, regardless of how degrading or humiliating the task. I want it to be like Lucius

Snape: It answers to you, and you only. Watch – excuse me Elder Wand, would you please kill Voldemort?

Elder Wand:...

Snape: See?

Voldemort: The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly because I am not its true master

Snape: Maybe you just need to train it a little better. Does it know how to sit, or play dead?

Voldemort: The Elder Wand belongs to whoever killed its last owner

Snape: Dumbledore fell quite a long way. Maybe the wand's new owner is...the ground

Voldemort: You killed Dumbledore, Severus. While you live, the Elder Wand cannot truly be mine

Snape: Maybe we could share it. You take it Monday to Thursday, I take it Friday to Sunday

Voldemort: You've been a good and faithful servant, Severus. The most faithful of all. Probably the only one to have not betrayed me in any way. But only I can live forever...

Snape: My Lord...

Voldemort: And Severus, you know how the wand can't play dead?

Snape: Yes

Voldemort: You can *Slashes Snape's throat*

Snape: *Collapses* Not _Avada Kedavra_?

Voldemort: I'm trying to cut down. Nagini, kill

Nagini: *Attacks*

-  
>*Outside the Boat House*<p>

Harry: I think Snape and Voldemort are on the other side of this glass. If we wait here-

Glass: THUD!

Harry: What was that? Maybe-

Glass: THUD!

Harry: Nagini must-

Glass: THUD!

Harry: And Snape is-

Glass THUD!

Harry: But that means-

Glass: THUD!

Harry: It's certainly taking a long-

Glass: THUD!

Harry:...I think it's over. We'll wait for Voldemort to leave and then-

Glass: THUD! THUD! THUD!

-  
>*Minutes later*<p>

Harry: Snape?

Snape: Harry? My, how I truly loathe you. Come over here and cradle my face

Harry: Very well

Snape: *Tears drip down face* Take them

Harry: Oh, um, no thanks. My pockets are pretty full of all the other people's tears I've collected

Snape: Please. I was leaving them to you in my will

Harry: Fine. Quickly Hermione, give me a flask or something

Hermione: Hermione _always_ has potions equipment ready to go! *Hands Harry a vial*

Harry: *Collects tears, then puts a bloodied finger over the top of the vial, contaminating them. Whoever taught this guy potions did a really awful...oh*

Snape: Look at me. You have your mother's eyes

Harry: This is kind of weird, but I'm willing to endure it to make a dying man happy

Snape: Can you put on this red wig and talk in a woman's voice?

Harry: I don't think I'll go that far

Snape: Just a quick kiss?

Harry: Hurry up and die!

Snape: *Dies*

Ron: YES! The evil Death Eater who murdered Dumbledore has been killed!

Harry:...you're right. That guy was horrible. Now I don't know whether to kill Nagini or give her a kiss of thanks

Ron: You should pour his memories into the pensieve just to laugh at them

Voldemort: _You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. I really hate violence. Just ask Pius...oh wait, I murdered him. Nevertheless, I command my forces to retreat. Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. I'm not sure how to make it so that only you hear this, so if everybody else could either block their ears or just ignore me from now on, that would be appreciated. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. All of your best friends – Snape, Scabior, Goyle – all dead. Join me in the Forbidden Forest and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me. Now Bellatrix, how do I turn off this spell?_

Bellatrix:_ I'm not sure. I've never done it before now_

Voldemort:_ Well I don't want to talk to them anymore. Just wave your wand or something_

Bellatrix:_ Not working. I'll just bury my wand under this pile of robes until it stops_

Voldemort: *Muffled*_ Good, because I need you to take a look at that rash again and don't want the whole castle to hear about it..._

-  
>*Great Hall*<p>

Mr Weasley: I'm sorry Ron...but Fred's been killed

Ron: Well, good thing we've got a spare. Quick George, provide a hilarious witticism

George: *Bursts into tears*

Ron: I don't get it

-  
>*Headmaster's office*<p>

Pensieve: *Moves towards Harry* Ooh, a visitor

Harry: *Pours tears into pensieve*

-  
>*Snape's memory*<p>

Petunia: You're a freak, Lily!

Snape: She's just jealous that she doesn't have creepy guys coming out of trees to talk to _her _

*Hogwarts*

Lily: *Puts on sorting hat*

Sorting Hat: Gryffindor!

Snape: Ooh dear...

*Hogwarts halls*

Lily: I'm sorry, Severus. I just generally go for guys who run recklessly through halls and knock books out of my arms

James: *Runs recklessly through halls and knocks books out of her arms*

Snape: Ooh dear...

*Cliff*

Snape: Don't kill me! I'd never kill you

Dumbledore: We'll see about that. The prophecy did not refer to a woman. It spoke of a boy born at the end of July

Snape: But he thinks it's her son. He intends to hunt them down and kill them

Dumbledore: So you want me to beat him to it and kill them first?

Snape: What? No! I want you to hide them. Preferably behind James

Dumbledore: What will you give me in exchange?

Snape: Anything. Absolutely anything in the world

Dumbledore: Know anything about potions?

Snape:...

*Potter house*

Lily: Harry, you are so loved. Mama loves you. Dada loves you. But Voldemort doesn't love you, and that's caused some problems

Voldemort: _Avada Kedavra!_

*Dumbledore's office*

Snape: You said you would keep her safe

Dumbledore: I gave her a helmet. I don't know what went wrong. But the boy survives

Snape: And what, that makes him my consolation prize? I don't want him

Dumbledore: He has her eyes. I mean, they're a completely different colour, but they're basically the same shape

Snape: I'll just take those then

Dumbledore: If you truly loved her...

Snape: Alright, I'll protect him. But no one can know

Dumbledore: As you wish

Snape: And so no one suspects anything, I'll be really horrible to him

Dumbledore: Even better, be really horrible to _everyone_

Snape: Good idea

*Years later*

Snape: I can contain the ring's curse to your hand, but it will spread. I told you all that cheap jewellery and tattoos would lead to infection

Dumbledore: I'm just trying to take my mind off Mr Malfoy's constant attempts to murder me. And should he continue to fail, one should presume the Dark Lord will turn to you

Snape: You want me to train Malfoy to murder people? I can do that. I know exactly who he can practice on - Longbottom

Dumbledore: No Severus, you must be the one to kill me. Only then will the Dark Lord trust you completely. I thought he trusted you, but he didn't ask you to help him move house last week

Snape: He assures me it was only because he thought I was busy

Dumbledore: There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something, but you must wait until it is as dramatic as possible. I must be dead, hundreds of students must be dead, and if you can somehow be dying or something, that would be even better

Snape: Alright. What do I tell him?

Dumbledore: Tell him that on the night Lord Voldemort tried to kill him, and Lily Potter cast herself between them, Voldemort got so scared that he ran away without hurting any of them. Then later that night, James and Lily were attacked and killed by a house elf

Snape: But that's not what happened

Dumbledore: I know, but you can imagine his face. It'll be hilarious. But after that you should probably tell him that a piece of Voldemort lives inside him. That's why he can talk to snakes, look into Voldemort's mind, and constantly murders people for no reason

Snape: So when the time comes the boy must die? You want me to tell him this?

Dumbledore: Yes, you can imagine his face. It'll be hilarious

Snape: You've kept him alive so that he can die at the proper moment. You've been raising him like a pig for slaughter

Dumbledore: Don't tell me now that you've grown to care for the boy

Snape: _Expecto Patronum_

Doe patronus: *Runs around room, then to the Gryffindor common room to kick Harry in the face*

Harry: Aargh!

Dumbledore: Lily. After all this time?

Snape: Now and again. Sometimes it's a mongoose. So when the time comes, the boy must die?

Dumbledore: _Always_. And Voldemort himself must do it. That part may be hard, as I'm not sure Voldemort is the kind of person who likes murdering

*Dumbledore's office*

Harry: *Pulls head out of pensieve* I don't believe it...my dad was blonde when he was 11...

-  
>*Entrance Hall*<p>

Harry: Hi guys...

Ron: Oh Harry, listen, me and Hermione are gonna need the Chamber of Secrets to ourselves for the next half an hour or so. I've hung a sock on the door to keep people out, but I thought I should let you know where we were. Here's a galleon, go spend some time in Hogsmeade

Harry: No need. I'm going to the forest

Hermione: What is it, Harry?

Harry: There's a reason I can hear the Horcruxes, and it's not just because having poor vision enhanced my other senses. I think I've known for a while. And I think you have too. But you didn't tell me, probably because you were planning to wait until the most dramatic moment to jump out and yell "Surprise! You're dying!"

Hermione: I'll go with you. Not Ron though, he'll just say something inappropriate

Ron: Agreed

Harry: No, kill the snake. And then kill Voldemort. I don't think that's asking too much of you. And maybe kill the last six thousand Death Eaters while you're at it

Hermione: *Hugs Harry*

Harry: This is the last time we may ever see each other, Ron. Wanna hug?

Ron: No. I think it would be more reflective of our friendship to have one final moment of awkward silence

Harry:...

Ron:...

Harry:...

Ron:...alright, see you later

-  
>*Forbidden Forest*<p>

Harry: I hope I don't survive, because walking into this forest without permission is a guaranteed detention. *Holds up snitch* I'm ready to die

Snitch: And I'm ready to open! Great coincidence *Opens*

Harry: The resurrection stone *Holds stone*

GhostLily: You've been so brave, sweetheart

GhostJames: We're very proud of you

GhostSirius: You've done a great job

GhostLupin:...I died?

Harry: Why are you all here? Is this an intervention? I only used the resurrection stone once and I can stop whenever I want

GhostLily: We never left

GhostLupin: I only just got here

Harry: Does it hurt?

GhostSirius: Dying? Quicker than falling asleep. Unless you fall into fire or something. That would suck

Harry: I'm sorry. I never wanted you all to die for me. Only two or three of you at the most. And Remus, your son...

GhostLupin: Others will tell him what his mother and father died for. So get in before they do and tell him that I single-handedly took down Voldemort and all the Death Eaters

Harry: I will. And I'll take good care of him for you. Little Harry James Lupin

GhostLupin: He already has a name. Teddy

Harry: And Harry Teddy Lupin will grow up knowing just how great his father truly was. You'll stay with me?

GhostJames: Until the end

GhostCedric: Harry, take my body back. Take my body back to my father

Harry: I already did that three years ago

GhostCedric: Oops, my bad *Leaves*

Harry: Stay close to me

GhostLily: Always

Harry: Aww, you sound just like Uncle Severus when you say that

GhostLily: So do you. You have his eyes

GhostJames: He sure does...wait, what?

-  
>*Voldemort's clearing*<p>

Death Eater: No sign of him, my Lord

Voldemort: Did you actually look for him?

Death Eater:...kind of. I stood behind you and stared at the same patch of trees that you were

Voldemort: _Shut up, Pius!_

Death Eater: *Dies*

Voldemort: I thought he would come. Very well. Take down the 'Welcome Harry' banner. Everyone who brought a present for him can keep them. I'm sorry, Bellatrix, we won't be needing your cheese cake after all

Harry: *Walks into clearing*

Voldemort: Harry Potter. May I take your coat?

Harry: No thank you

Voldemort: May I take your life?

Harry: If you must

Voldemort: _Avada Kedavra!_

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2**

By Project H

Part 5

*King's Cross*

Baby Voldemort: *Gasping*

Harry: Aww, he looks just like his father. All bald and creepy

Dumbledore: Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave, brave man

Harry: Well if this is the response I get, I think I'll die more often. Quick question, what's with the bloody baby?

Dumbledore: Something beyond either of our help. I tried nursing it, but it didn't really work out. Where would you say we are?

Harry: It looks like King's Cross Station. Only cleaner, and without anyone over-dosing on the platforms

Dumbledore: King's Cross, is that right? I didn't recognise it without the smell of urine. I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate since that night in Godric's Hollow

Harry: Would have realized it sooner if you didn't keep it from me for so long and rely on Snape to tell me in his dying moments. So a part of Voldemort lives within me?

Dumbledore: Did

Harry: It moved out?

Dumbledore: It died. Destroyed by Voldemort himself moments ago

Harry: I'd better put an ad in the paper advertising some spare room in my soul for rent. I have to go back, haven't I?

Dumbledore: That's up to you. You could always stay here and live with me. Would you prefer the top or bottom bunk?

Harry: Uh...top?

Dumbledore: Same. I'll race you to it

Harry: Before we do that...Voldemort has the Elder Wand, the snake is still alive, I have nothing to kill it with and half of the Order is dead

Dumbledore: It's still more than you normally have to work with

Harry: Yeah, but if I don't go back, Ron has to do it

Dumbledore: Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it

Harry: So will you help me?

Dumbledore: This isn't Hogwarts, it's King's Cross. And I think I will amend my original statement to this – Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it

Harry: So...you _will _help me?

Dumbledore: Nah. See you later

Harry: Professor, wait. Is this all real, or is it just happening inside my head?

Dumbledore: Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why do you think you don't need your glasses? We all have perfect vision in our imagination

Harry: Then how come you're still all old and grey?

Dumbledore: This is _your_ imagination. *Suddenly sprouts antlers* Oh very funny

-  
>*Back at Voldemort's clearing*<p>

Bellatrix: My Lord, are you hurt?

Voldemort: Aargh, I think I fell on my keys. The boy, is he alive?

Narcissa: *Whispering to Harry* Draco...is he alive?

Harry: Possibly

Narcissa: What about Goyle?

Harry: Uh...sure

Narcissa: And I never let Tonks know how much I cared about her. Is she OK?

Harry: Better than ever. They're all up at the castle preparing a surprise party for you

Narcissa: *To Voldemort* Dead

Voldemort: No, Voldemort. Oh I see what you mean...

-  
>*Hogwarts*<p>

Neville: *Picks up sorting hat* Poor thing. Why do the good always die so young?

Voldemort: Harry Potter is dead!

Ginny: NO!

Voldemort: What do you mean 'no'? He _is_. Hagrid, shake his body around a little, this girl doesn't believe me

Students: *Gather around*

Voldemort: From this day forth, you put your faith in me. You'll find that I treat those who follow me very well

Death Eater: He sure does. And he-

Voldemort: _Avada Kedavra!_

Death Eater: *Dies*

Voldemort: I hate when people interrupt me...now where was I? Oh yes, come forward and join me or die

Bellatrix: *Steps forward*

Voldemort: Not you!

Lucius: Draco, psst, Draco. Come over here. Quick, while no one is looking

Draco: *Walks forward, watched by several hundred students and Death Eaters*

Voldemort: Well done, Draco *Hugs him*

Bellatrix: _He_ gets a hug?

Voldemort: Oh Draco, it's good to see you again *Licks thumb and wipes dirt off Draco's face*

Draco: Ugh, my Lord. Not in front of the other students

Voldemort: Come on Draco, introduce me to your friends. Is that Blaise Zabini over there?

Neville: *Steps forward*

Voldemort: And who might you be, young man?

Neville: Neville Longbottom

Death Eaters: *Laugh*

Voldemort: Yes yes, it's a very funny name. I'm sure we could find room for you in our ranks, but we'll have to change your name. How about Neville Shortarse?

Neville: I'd like to say something. It doesn't matter Harry's dead...

Voldemort: Agreed

Neville:...people die every day. Friends, family, Goyle. Sure, we lost Harry tonight, but so what? We lost a lot of people. Screw Harry

Students: Yeah! *Chanting* _Screw Harry, Screw Harry, Screw Harry..._

Harry: *Jumps up* That's enough of that

Voldemort: Nyah!

Death Eater: Zombies! They've got zombies! Run away!

Death Eaters: *Flee*

Students: *Run into the castle*

Harry: *Starts running* I'll lure him into the castle. There's no one in there he can hurt

-  
>*Inside the castle*<p>

Harry: *To self* Alright, I'll just hide from Voldemort behind this pillar, and when the coast is clear, jump out and stab Nagini with this Basilisk fang

Basilisk fang: *Breaks immediately*

Harry: Oh right...that's why we don't plan

Hermione: You want not planning? I'll show you not planning *Throws a rock at Nagini*

Harry: Wow, that's a terrible idea. Nice job

Hermione: *Throws more rocks*

Nagini: Ow! Not my piece of Voldemort's soul, you bitch!

-  
>*Several minutes later*<p>

Harry: *Still running* If I keep this up, maybe he'll die of exhaustion

Voldemort: *Traps Harry with...magic ribbons*

Harry: I wish I'd payed more attention in muggle school when they taught us how to use those 'scissor' things

Voldemort: Why do you live, Harry Potter?

Harry: Because you keep letting me go

Voldemort: That's not true *Lets go of Harry*

-  
>*Elsewhere*<p>

Bellatrix: *Fires curse at Ginny*

Ginny: *Cries* Mummy, Bellatrix is hurting me

Mrs Weasley: Not my daughter, you bitch!

Bellatrix: Heard that one before

Mrs Weasley: How about this one? _Avada Kedavra!_

Bellatrix: Yes I think- oh *dies*

-  
>*Tower*<p>

Harry: You were right when you told Snape that wand was failing you. It will always fail you. It's the wand equivalent of Ron

Voldemort: I killed Snape

Harry: Big deal. I kill people all the time. The difference is, I don't brag about it. Come on, Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it

Voldemort: You want me to kill your parents _again_?

Harry: *Grabs Voldemort and jumps off the tower. Despite the fact that Voldemort can fly and Harry...cannot*

*Hogwarts Courtyard*

Voldemort: *Rolls across ground* Ugh. I'm getting too old for this

Harry: _Expelliarmus!_

Voldemort: _Expelliarmus!_

Harry: Really?

Voldemort: What? It's not like you own it

-  
>*Inside Hogwarts*<p>

Ron and Hermione: *Running*

Nagini: *Slithering*

Ron: I can't believe we couldn't kill a Horcrux with rocks

Hermione: I can't believe I agreed to try and kill a Horcrux with rocks

Ron: Any last words?

Hermione: I wish I'd read more books

Ron: I wish I'd read _a_ book

Nagini: *Lunges*

Neville: *Kills Nagini with sword*

Trevor: Well done, boy. You've made me real proud. I can see my work here is done now *Hops away into the sunset*

Hermione: We just ended our Horcrux quest by cowering in a corner

Ron: It's as good as I could have hoped for

-  
>*Courtyard*<p>

Voldemort: *Feels Nagini's death* Nyah!

Harry: Do you need to take a quick break or something?

Voldemort: _Expelliarmus!_

Harry: Very well. _Expelliarmus!_

Elder Wand: *To Voldemort* _Expelliarmus!_

Voldemort: NYAH! *Falls to pieces and drifts away*

Harry: So he was made of confetti all along. That explains so much

-  
>*Great Hall*<p>

Mrs Weasley: I sure am happy now. I don't even miss Fred

Cho: I think my contributions more than made up for ruining Dumbledore's Army

Aberforth: I notice this school has thestrals. Do you also have goats?

Slughorn:...and my spell accidently hit Lavender. I hope she's OK

Hagrid: Harry!

Harry: Hagrid!

Hagrid:...

Harry:...

Hagrid:...alright, see you later

Ron and Hermione: *Walk in, holding hands*

Harry: People sure are happy that I've killed Voldemort

Ron: You killed Voldemort? Why didn't you say something? We were all just sitting in here waiting to be killed. Hey everyone, Voldemort's dead!

Everyone: Yay!

Fenrir: So...I should stop eating the children?

-  
>*Bridge*<p>

Harry: *Stands on edge*

Hermione: Harry, you just won a battle with the strongest dark wizard of all time. How about you don't tempt fate by balancing on the edge of the bridge?

Ron: Why didn't the Elder Wand work for him?

Harry: It answered to someone else. To me. Isn't that right, Elder Wand?

Elder Wand: You got it, Harry

Ron: What should we do with it?

Hermione: We could re-build the castle, heal the wounded, create better barriers to protect the castle from future attack...

Harry: *Snaps Elder Wand*

Hermione: Or that

Elder Wand: Ow! I thought we were friends

Hermione: Ah well. As long as you remembered to use it to repair your old wand

Harry:...

Hermione: Harry?

Harry:...SON OF A-

-  
>*19 Years Later, King's Cross Station*<p>

Harry: This place sure was less crowded when I was dead

Albus Severus: *Starts tying shoe* I hope they teach us a spell for this. Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin?

Harry: Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was a horribly cruel person, but he had a thing for my mum so that makes him alright by me

Albus Severus: But what if I _am_?

Harry: Then just tell it you want to be in Gryffindor. It's a hat, what's it going to do about it? Give you lice?

Albus Severus: Thanks Dad

Kids: *Get on train*

Ron: Ah well, time to go home

Hermione: It seems strange to be going home, doesn't it?

Harry: I'm not going home...not really...

Ginny: What do you mean?

Harry: I've just turned this time-turner 227,760 times. That should take us back to the start of our first year. Ron, Hermione...let's do it all again!

**THE END**

**Author's Note: And so ends Project H. It's hard to believe that it was 2005 (!) that I started writing these, and have been uploading them to this site for two and a half years. Some of you have been reading and reviewing these right from the start, and I am truly appreciative of that.**

**I want to say thank you to everyone who ever read or reviewed any of these, because even though I started writing them primarily for my own amusement, it really means a lot that so many of you found them amusing too. **

**So that's it for Potter, but I'll still be around fanfiction for a while yet. I have a few ideas for new stories, and hey, I've still got two Twilight films to have a look at. So hopefully I'll be back soon to again make you wonder just how one person can seemingly have so much free time on their hands.**

**Thank you all so much. Mischief managed!**


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